How we handle conflict in our relationships determines whether the dating relationship or marriage will survive. Back in Kenya, I knew pastors who would not marry a couple unless they had fought once or more in their courtship. They were determined to establish that couples knew how to handle inevitable conflict that would arise in the relationship. Fighting is normal and a healthy part of relationships - how we fight however, makes the difference.
When I was dating my husband back in the 90's, I mistakenly believed if he loved me his opinions would mirror mine on issues. If we fought about anything, I expected him to immediately agree with my point of view without realizing he was a separate being with separate thoughts and opinions. I studied a lot of relationship books on communication and began to see the error of my methods but old habits die hard. We dated for four years and it wasn't until our second year of marriage that I got the hang of fighting fair and learned to respect his opinion in the fight.
In my premarital education work, the couples who show extremely low scores on conflict resolution tend to:-
- Have the toughest time adjusting to marriage,
- Struggle with abuse issues and/or
- Dissolve the marriage.
I have become even more committed to asking couples to postpone their wedding ceremony if they want to save their future marriage. If there are unresolved issues causing conflict during dating, the same issues will be magnified in marriage with stronger consequences. Don't ignore warning signs - they are similar to yellow lights turning red on your relationship.
Name calling, yelling, belittling and threatening do not solve conflicts. We've all yelled at some point, the problem is what words we yell because we can't take them back. Yelling is sometimes equating to blowing off steam but is hardly ever constructive. I can't recall who taught my husband and I to use our pet names for each other while fighting but it has worked over the years.
It’s hard for me to attack his character and the essence of his being while yelling "honey - you are such a bla bla bla". Oh, we do fight - trust me on that one. We both have strong opinions and believe in expressing them when necessary but we have fighting rules that keep us in check so we don't destroy each other with careless nuclear words.
Our fighting rules run along lines of:-
- Stick to the issue at hand.
- Do not drudge up old fights.
- Identify on a scale how vital the issue is to both of you, 1 - not a big deal to 10 - over my dead body. I love Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot's conflict card and have used it in our marriage and with couples. 
- Avoid name calling and nuclear words (maximizes emotional damage).
- Do not threaten break-up/divorce - it only makes the situation worse, introduces the bailout option and unless you mean it becomes an empty threat.
- Feel free to call a time-out and postpone the fight if its unproductive and not solving the original issue causing conflict.
Agree to bring up the issue for example on Saturday morning when you jog together because you will be less emotional, more logical and open to seeing it through the other's eyes. It sounds impossible but it works, my husband or I will say "lets talk about this another time/Friday" etc or "I can't talk about this right now" which is a code word meaning we will not have a productive end to our fight.
- Agree on a code word to indicate when the fight is escalating beyond repair - when one of you uses it, its time to take a step back, walk out of the room/house or shut yourself in a room to cool off. The time-out concept only works if you are both committed to discussing the issue at an agreed future date - otherwise it becomes a cop-out.
- Do not use physical force on each other - a small shove can easily escalate into violence.
- Avoid trying to shame your partner by describing the issue in lurid details to close friends and family who you hope will put pressure on him/her. True friends will try to be objective and call you out on mistakes. When you make up with your partner, you want him/her to be able to face your friends and family. Think ahead and remember you love this person, you are not trying to destroy them.
- When all else fails, involve a third party - seek professional help if the issue you are trying to resolve remains unsolved, is causing considerable tension in your relationship and is threatening your marriage.
By
Julia Sanna,
About Me
I love writing about relationships & culture. I'm a wife and a mom of two young boys. I provide wedding & marriage classes as a registered marriage prep provider and work as a family counselor at a church. My favorite past-time is performing with my hubby and our band.
Email me:
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Relationships website: http://www.earlyfamilyyears.org
Our Band's website: http://www.positivelyafrica.com
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written by diva, February 26, 2010
You're most welcome, it's your site too - we have come together to help one another grow and glow from inside out.
We appreciate your contribution through the comment.
Regarding this topic, currently we are just sending them on mail and responding to members' concerns online - a reply to a comment or if very personal via your private inbox..
However, later in the year we intend to hold a live talk on various topics, one being Marriage (Communication, Finances etc). We will communicate the dates and venue when we organize the event.
In the mean-time, you can write to us via the CONTACT US section of this website, for any information you might need on Communication in Marriage.
thanks for your web site I have read very little but am brighter. am married a few month a go but our relationship and communication has become a promble in our marriage. with the topic you have sent over to Divas member, are you just sending them on mail or you will also have an event live talk? would like to know, when and dates